Archive for March, 2018

Overcoming the wall

March 18, 2018

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So exactly 2 weeks ago I didn’t understand what was happening or what was coming. I thought it simply would pass, but suddenly it said BANG. I didn’t manage to do or feel anything, everything was dark. I had hit the wall. Having the flu at the time and the snow made me feel very isolated.

How did i fix it

I went toally back to basics and started again. Remembered a few things that i have been taught recently worked through my list. Did some jobs round the house. On the Sunday I managed to go for a run, and with the help from a couple close friends and my cousins you all helped me a great deal to overcome the wall. You all listened and you made sure i knew i had your support.

So I started off the week on the Monday with this sudden surge of energy and for the last 2 weeks i have been gaining more and more confidence back. I am back being cheeky and happy and i have made many people laugh with my stories. This stregth has come from somewhere and its making me a little scared.

I rememberd how much i enjoy making people laugh, its a gift i had and that gift has returned.

What happened next

I spent time with my Niece and nephew, brother and sister in law last weekend and that put some perspective in my life. The kids are my world and I know they look up to me a great deal and i decided that i am going to try everything in my power to be the best version of myself that i can be.

The last 2 weeks have been very positive for me. This weekend the novolty of having lots of chilling time is wearing very thin, but i kept busy and found some new music which is a passion of mine. I also managed to do a bit of running too.

Conclusion

Its ok to not be ok, its how you deal with that and find the strength to carry on even though the odds are very much stacked against you. Routeen at the weekend is equally as important to me as the week days.

Fingers crossed this week will be equally as positive as the last 2. Thank you to every single person that got me through that weekend that i hit the wall.

My playlist – the power of music in my life

March 18, 2018

111115_musicmental_THUMB_LARGE_UPDATE.jpgA few weeks ago I posted around the power of music in my life. Quite a lot of you have asked for my playlist and here it is:

Groove Armada – Paper romance                                                                                                       Emeli Sande – Highs&Lows                                                                                                                                No Wyld – Odyssey                                                                                                                                 Seal – Kiss from a rose                                                                                                                           Rudimental – Free                                                                                                                                               Jessie Ware, Goldie – Midnight                                                                                                                             Jennifer Hudson – Spotlight                                                                                                                 Rudimental – Powerless                                                                                                                                Paloma Faith – The Architect                                                                                                               Megan Trainor – Woman Up                                                                                                                       Beyonce – Run the world                                                                                                                                      Jessie Ware – Alone                                                                                                                                             Naughty boy – Wonder                                                                                                                                  Lisa Stansfield – All around the world                                                                                               Ariana Grande – Bad Decisions                                                                                                           Justin Timberlake – Say something                                                                                                     Jengi – Without you                                                                                                                                               Mabel – Finders keepers                                                                                                                       Groove Armada – Andhim remix                                                                                                                Jill Scott – Getting in the way                                                                                                                                                            Jill Scott – Golden                                                                                                                                              Jill Scott – Coming to you                                                                                                                       4hero – Les Fleur                                                                                                                                              4hero – Another day                                                                                                                               Sebastien Tellier – La Ritournella                                                                                                 Ludovico Einaudi – Night                                                                                                                                            Ludovico Einaudi – Expierience                                                                                                                             Ludovico Einaudi – Primavera

Enjoy x111115_musicmental_THUMB_LARGE_UPDATE.jpg

The struggle is real

March 2, 2018

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This will probobally be one of the saddest blog posts I have written so be warned.

I am struggling, physically and mentally. I have the flu which is something that will improve with time but mentally I’m in a very dark hole and can’t find the light at the end of it.

I am currently sat on my bedroom floor, I often find myself here I don’t know why it just feels safe. Only one person has taken the time to check on me today which when you feel as lonely as I do almost everyday, is a very jagged pill to swallow. I have come to the conclusion that I am not good enough for anyone. I am sure people will tell me the opposite but thats how I feel, its very real. I often hope that someone will say… get some clothes on kid were going out for the day but nobody has, not for a number of months. I am in a city where I don’t actually know why I am here anymore. Don’t get me wrong I love my flat its beautiful, but I wish someone could share that beauty with me. Drop in for a coffee/cup of tea but nobody does.

I look around at people I work with and it appears there friend list is never ending, always off doing something at the weekends and the evenings they are. That used to be me and thats the bit of my life I loved the most. The thought of a weekend now is like a dagger to the heart. Have you ever heard of anyone who doesn’t look forward to a weekend?

I mentioned this to someone the other day and they said I need to accept that everyone is busy. So say that then, don’t leave my texts unanswered or reply 3 days later saying sorry only just seen this. If you don’t want anything to do with me say that, I would rather the truth than to be fobbed off by words you think I want to hear.

What it feels like……

A heavy weight on my shoulders, duck tape over my mouth stopping me from speaking, constantly looking out the window waiting for someone/anyone to turn up.

This weekend like most weekends…..

I won’t be leaving my flat ill be just watching tv (staring at the tv) waiting for the Monday to come around. Staring blankly at myself to have some kind of conversation with myself. Sunday ill have a panic attack at the same time that I’ve done every week since the 3rd September 2017 because I am scared of bumping into someone constantly for the next 5 days. Only for Friday to come along and ill get the same anxieties at 4.30pm because I know ill be back here again.

The reality

I am alone, I always will be and I have to accept it whether I like it or not. The struggle is real and I am so lost in myself.

What happened to my life. I can’t keep doing this every week.