The struggle is real

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This will probobally be one of the saddest blog posts I have written so be warned.

I am struggling, physically and mentally. I have the flu which is something that will improve with time but mentally I’m in a very dark hole and can’t find the light at the end of it.

I am currently sat on my bedroom floor, I often find myself here I don’t know why it just feels safe. Only one person has taken the time to check on me today which when you feel as lonely as I do almost everyday, is a very jagged pill to swallow. I have come to the conclusion that I am not good enough for anyone. I am sure people will tell me the opposite but thats how I feel, its very real. I often hope that someone will say… get some clothes on kid were going out for the day but nobody has, not for a number of months. I am in a city where I don’t actually know why I am here anymore. Don’t get me wrong I love my flat its beautiful, but I wish someone could share that beauty with me. Drop in for a coffee/cup of tea but nobody does.

I look around at people I work with and it appears there friend list is never ending, always off doing something at the weekends and the evenings they are. That used to be me and thats the bit of my life I loved the most. The thought of a weekend now is like a dagger to the heart. Have you ever heard of anyone who doesn’t look forward to a weekend?

I mentioned this to someone the other day and they said I need to accept that everyone is busy. So say that then, don’t leave my texts unanswered or reply 3 days later saying sorry only just seen this. If you don’t want anything to do with me say that, I would rather the truth than to be fobbed off by words you think I want to hear.

What it feels like……

A heavy weight on my shoulders, duck tape over my mouth stopping me from speaking, constantly looking out the window waiting for someone/anyone to turn up.

This weekend like most weekends…..

I won’t be leaving my flat ill be just watching tv (staring at the tv) waiting for the Monday to come around. Staring blankly at myself to have some kind of conversation with myself. Sunday ill have a panic attack at the same time that I’ve done every week since the 3rd September 2017 because I am scared of bumping into someone constantly for the next 5 days. Only for Friday to come along and ill get the same anxieties at 4.30pm because I know ill be back here again.

The reality

I am alone, I always will be and I have to accept it whether I like it or not. The struggle is real and I am so lost in myself.

What happened to my life. I can’t keep doing this every week.

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4 Responses to “The struggle is real”

  1. Heather Tasker Says:

    Okay, I couldn’t tag you yesterday and now my app is being screwy and saying I have unsaved changes to the blog post so I’m afraid of what will change if I add you to the list. So… here is your official nomination:

    I nominate you for the Liebster Award. You can find the rules and questions here. https://heathertasker.wordpress.com/2018/03/17/liebster-award-i-ii/

    😊

  2. littleun Says:

    My email is kerrie@kerrieb.co.uk if you want to give me your number.

  3. Kathryn smith Says:

    Hi Kerrie, I’ve just read your blog and a lot of that resonates with me, I too suffer from anxiety and when it takes hold (I never know when it will happen) I can relate to your safe place. Please please give me your phone number just so we can have a catch up, talk moan put the worlds to right or whatever you need. Take care of yourself xxxx

  4. Heather Tasker Says:

    Kerrie, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You AREN’T alone. You’re not the only one who feels this and it won’t last forever.

    I swear. I’ve been there.

    I’m glad you posted this, at least you have one outlet. That’s a start. Find as many as you can. Maybe they won’t all be deep or personal connections but using groups, blogging, making friends with people in other ways can really help and eventually you can make new, solid friendships.

    Message me if you want to. You don’t have to be alone.

    Also, what are you watching this weekend? Anything good?

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