Archive for March, 2019

How my mental illness has ruined my life

March 30, 2019

It’s 12.11am as I write this. For those that don’t know I suffer with depression and anxiety. For the best part of a year this has very much taken over my life and I am not entirely sure how I ended up here.

Last Saturday, I needed to go to the shop to buy some butter for my hot cross buns. Surprisingly I managed to shower, clean my teeth but I wasn’t able to do my hair. I put my hat on. My hat is something I use as protection, sounds silly but it is very effective. I wear a hat to sleep every night, even in the summer!

I put my shoes and coat on and got to the hallway, stood on the mat by the door and hung around there for almost an hour. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t leave my house. I couldn’t do a simple task and walk to the shop like I have over 100 times before. I couldn’t face it, I wasn’t upset, I just felt lost, I had no courage to pull down the handle on the door. I sat on the floor behind my door, put my calming playlist on and shut my eyes.

I ate dry hot cross buns.

My sleep is becoming problematic, I’m having nightmares about a traumatic experience I went though recently. These are becoming worse and it’s making the next day exhausting. It’s even having an impact on my energy levels mid week.

Unfortunately I don’t have a choice about what my brain thinks. It’s hard for me to slow down every thought in there. And there are moments of absolute disparity and desperation for it to just go away.

I haven’t once thought I appreciate this experience, it’s teaching me a lot. A lot about relationships with people, a lot about relationships with myself.

I feel like I am a bad person but……

I want it all to go away. It’s ruined my life.

What choice do I have.

None

Vulnerability

March 11, 2019

My last blog post definitely aired on the side of caution, it was close to the line and definitely exposed my vulnerability.

To me vulnerability has two sides of a coin.

Heads – an act of courage to expose my authenticity.

Tails– putting up barriers to avoid getting hurt

Let’s break this down

Heads

Embracing your vulnerability is an act of strength, human beings can’t always run at maximum capacity hiding behind a facade. It would be awful to be around people that do. I’m not saying that there are nobody in the world that don’t do this but I think it’s unrealistic to expect that people can. I’m a heart on the sleeve type of person and I’m not afraid to show and share my vulnerabilities and pain points. I want to help people with what I’m going through and I have a gift for doing that.

You need to be aware of the points of your vulnerability, and try and heel it, it’s like ripping a plaster from a wound. You’re exposing it to the air which means it can breathe, which heels up quicker. Ripping a plaster off is like forgiving the reason/cause of your vulnerability.

I think for me, right now I’m peeling the edges around the plaster and it would be incorrect for me to tell you otherwise.

Neuropsychologist Mario Martinez writes in his book: The MindBody Code: How to Change the Beliefs that Limit Your Health, Longevity, and Success, The wound you choose in order to interpret your pain becomes a shield of protection against forgiving, because releasing your grudge means being vulnerable again.”

Tails

Putting up barriers to avoid getting hurt. This is something I’m getting better at as I’ve got older. I didn’t used to let anyone in and be so trusting in others. That meant that people didn’t really want to speak to me because I put up that wall. There’s something quite beautiful in being able to be open with people, I think people understand what I’m about now where as a few years ago they didn’t. I guess going through a very troubling life event was the cure of the barrier, which is ironic really when if you’ve been hurt mentally or physically you’d think my barrier would of gone up. It didn’t. I have some kind people that make it safe for me to expose my vulnerability. It’s almost celebrated.

How to fix it

I don’t think you can fully fix or cure vulnerability, but you can very much embrace it.

My advice….

1. Make your heart as big as possible so that nobody can completely take it. Small things will happen but it’s a tiny segment of the whole heart.

2. Take small risks of being open, I promise not everyone or everything will hurt you. Your relationships with people will improve significantly if you expose yourself.

3. Some self evaluation and examine your vulnerabilities, everyone’s will be different.

4. Trust your heart not your head, the mind plays lots of tricks on us.

I’ve never considered the true meaning of being vulnerable until I experienced it myself and watching someone very close to my heart expose their vulnerability. I also never once considered that we are all vulnerable in different respects and there’s nothing wrong being vulnerable. It actually shows incredible strength.

Good luck

Loneliness

March 2, 2019

I used to consider loneliness as something older people went through. I never once thought of it in different ways until I experienced this feeling myself.

For the last 18 months I’ve experienced loneliness in the most extreme of ways. To me loneliness has the overwhelming feeling of isolation, confusion and uncertainty.

Why is it overwhelming

I am of the personality where I crave social interaction. I am experiencing little of it at work, then I come home and there’s zero social interaction at all. It’s relentless to me and makes me seriously question my purpose in life.

When I leave work I get this sick feeling and

I walk home from work and I get to the bottom of my road and I stand there, I cry, because I just don’t want to come home. I don’t want to be alone. Just watching cars zoom past me always has me wondering everyone but me has somewhere to be. I used to always have somewhere to be.

A lot of people say to me you’re not alone, you’ve got lots of friends. I think they don’t understand how I feel when I leave the office, yes I have lots of acquaintances but it’s a business transaction. I doubt these people give me a second thought.

Since moving to another floor at work. I’ve felt more out of sight out of mind than ever before. I feel incredibly isolated. I used to work on this floor a few years ago and with the added reminder of who I used to be. Happy, confident, bold and unapologetic. Loneliness becomes confusing.

What about uncertainty

This is delicate. For 18 months I’ve felt this way, and it seems to have got worse not better. Trying to explain to someone how this feels when they don’t have this feeling is hard. I’m at a stage now when someone asks me if I’m ok, I polite respond I’m ok thank you. I am at the point where I have nothing else to say. I’m not sure I can continue on this path. I am just going to have to accept that this is my life now.

I’m 35 years old and I’d probably say that there are 2 people I’d say are actually my friend. It’s hard and it’s unpleasant and I crave someone, anyone to say what you doing I’m picking you up we’re going out. I reach out to lots of people, I very rarely get a response.

The dreaded Friday question, what plans do you have this weekend and the Monday did you have a nice weekend. Those questions upset me, because I desperately wish I had something to share.

Loneliness has affected me mentally so much so. I’ve lost my identity. I don’t know who I am anymore and I also don’t know how to fix it.

It’s relentless.