Loneliness

I used to consider loneliness as something older people went through. I never once thought of it in different ways until I experienced this feeling myself.

For the last 18 months I’ve experienced loneliness in the most extreme of ways. To me loneliness has the overwhelming feeling of isolation, confusion and uncertainty.

Why is it overwhelming

I am of the personality where I crave social interaction. I am experiencing little of it at work, then I come home and there’s zero social interaction at all. It’s relentless to me and makes me seriously question my purpose in life.

When I leave work I get this sick feeling and

I walk home from work and I get to the bottom of my road and I stand there, I cry, because I just don’t want to come home. I don’t want to be alone. Just watching cars zoom past me always has me wondering everyone but me has somewhere to be. I used to always have somewhere to be.

A lot of people say to me you’re not alone, you’ve got lots of friends. I think they don’t understand how I feel when I leave the office, yes I have lots of acquaintances but it’s a business transaction. I doubt these people give me a second thought.

Since moving to another floor at work. I’ve felt more out of sight out of mind than ever before. I feel incredibly isolated. I used to work on this floor a few years ago and with the added reminder of who I used to be. Happy, confident, bold and unapologetic. Loneliness becomes confusing.

What about uncertainty

This is delicate. For 18 months I’ve felt this way, and it seems to have got worse not better. Trying to explain to someone how this feels when they don’t have this feeling is hard. I’m at a stage now when someone asks me if I’m ok, I polite respond I’m ok thank you. I am at the point where I have nothing else to say. I’m not sure I can continue on this path. I am just going to have to accept that this is my life now.

I’m 35 years old and I’d probably say that there are 2 people I’d say are actually my friend. It’s hard and it’s unpleasant and I crave someone, anyone to say what you doing I’m picking you up we’re going out. I reach out to lots of people, I very rarely get a response.

The dreaded Friday question, what plans do you have this weekend and the Monday did you have a nice weekend. Those questions upset me, because I desperately wish I had something to share.

Loneliness has affected me mentally so much so. I’ve lost my identity. I don’t know who I am anymore and I also don’t know how to fix it.

It’s relentless.

One Response to “Loneliness”

  1. Heather Tasker Says:

    I’m sorry you’re still having such a hard time. Is there anything that makes you feel less alone?

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