How my mental illness has ruined my life

It’s 12.11am as I write this. For those that don’t know I suffer with depression and anxiety. For the best part of a year this has very much taken over my life and I am not entirely sure how I ended up here.

Last Saturday, I needed to go to the shop to buy some butter for my hot cross buns. Surprisingly I managed to shower, clean my teeth but I wasn’t able to do my hair. I put my hat on. My hat is something I use as protection, sounds silly but it is very effective. I wear a hat to sleep every night, even in the summer!

I put my shoes and coat on and got to the hallway, stood on the mat by the door and hung around there for almost an hour. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t leave my house. I couldn’t do a simple task and walk to the shop like I have over 100 times before. I couldn’t face it, I wasn’t upset, I just felt lost, I had no courage to pull down the handle on the door. I sat on the floor behind my door, put my calming playlist on and shut my eyes.

I ate dry hot cross buns.

My sleep is becoming problematic, I’m having nightmares about a traumatic experience I went though recently. These are becoming worse and it’s making the next day exhausting. It’s even having an impact on my energy levels mid week.

Unfortunately I don’t have a choice about what my brain thinks. It’s hard for me to slow down every thought in there. And there are moments of absolute disparity and desperation for it to just go away.

I haven’t once thought I appreciate this experience, it’s teaching me a lot. A lot about relationships with people, a lot about relationships with myself.

I feel like I am a bad person but……

I want it all to go away. It’s ruined my life.

What choice do I have.


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