Finding the Click

It’s no secret that my heart got well and truly broken. September 2017, 2017 was a perfectly matched a worse year of my life. 2018 was no better. Now we’re in 2019.

I was madly in love with this girl, for 7 years she was a massive part of my life. Then out of nowhere she was gone. I do not believe I’m not totally innocent in what ended our relationship but it did come out of the blue. One min we were watching dolphins in Madeira with a ring in my pocket waiting for that perfect moment that didn’t arrive, then 2 weeks she left my life like the bin man collecting my weekly rubbish.

I never prepared myself for how hard it would be, how much it unbalanced me physically and mentally. I haven’t made peace with any of it and I still am angry with myself and regret a lot of moments. It’s been very hard, very emotionally draining. Last week and the weekend she was getting married to this guy she met whilst she was still with me. (Confusing right). I tried to be the bigger person wishing her the best for the wedding, did I mean what I said, I don’t know. Did it come from a good place, of course. Did it hurt like hell when I said it, absolutely. It’s hard to watch someone who was once your world choose an alternative path.

Finding the click

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in relationships before I met this once incredible whirlwind. But I remember there was a moment, that I woke up one day and realised I wanted to build a new life for myself and I was now living a life like an international woman of mystery. Something that made me think I was totally in control of my own destiny. I no longer needed that person in my life and I was able to just get on the way I used to. I was happy in the end.

Where I am now, this wedding and a conversation we had a couple weeks ago has resurfaced all these feelings. I did have a moment of realisation though that it wasn’t about me wanting my old life back. It’s more wanting to find peace and not be angry with the situation. It comes in waves. Sometimes it’s an intense feeling of missing the woman I loved and the other side of absolutely disgust of this person. This person triggers all the bad feelings in my mind and also represents everything I dislike about myself.

I am in charge of my own destiny, I need to stick this car crash into a box and forget the combination to the lock. I’ve just been talking to a friend of mine about the click. He knows what I mean and I’m certain he won’t mind me mentioning it.

Where is the click? I’ve searched high and low but I am determined to find it. There will be a moment and I’ll look back and realise I’ve wasted 18 months of my life on something that really wasn’t worth it.

If anyone has any tips on where in my flat the click is or how to get to it quickly. Shout me up.

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