Archive for May, 2019

Being broken – doesn’t have to mean the end of your life.

May 6, 2019

Life has a tendency to test us. To throw things at us that we have worked tirelessly to avoid. To build a life for ourselves that are full of meaning and happiness. Nothing quite however, will prepare for those things to complete break us.

I have been broken, very recently. Nothing prepared me for it it just happened. It was 98% contributed by someone who I never thought was capable of breaking someone.

This person made me question everything about myself, I had been convinced by this person that I am not nice, I’m not capable of love, nobody likes me and I’m a nightmare to deal with. It was all so conflicting and confusing. I lost my identity, I didn’t know who I was and was failing at every aspect of my life and at times I wasn’t even sure of of own name. I stopped, my whole life, just stopped everything in it paused. My confidence didn’t exist and at times I was fearful to leave my house, every day I questioned will I survive this or ever find a place of happiness and safety.

How could I let this happen.

The trouble is, when you’re broken you have nothing in you to fight, it can be suffocating. I wasn’t strong enough to fight this nor did I know how. It consumed me, it consumed my life.

What now.

After going through this, I’ve looked at my relationships with people differently. 18 months later I am, now ready to embrace who I am now, I’ve found things I enjoy and started to build up my confidence. Whilst my trust for people will be something I’ll always question now, I have a small group of people that are behind me and respect this. I am doing things I didn’t even do before I was broken.

I came across something the other day “I want to see what happens if I don’t give up”.

That’s what I’m trying to do. Found some self belief and made a load of new friends who remind me that I am nice, I am funny, I am capable of love, I’m not difficult to deal with. I guess deep inside I always knew that. But couldn’t find the courage to believe it.

By no means am I 100% there, it’s wrong to expect that I ever will be but this time last year I was about 5% and now I’m comfortable hovering around 75%.

For anyone who’s going through something similar, I can honestly say it’s not an easy ride. You will reach limits however, it’s about recognising those limits so you can build yourself up again. It’s ok too to ask people to help you to get there. Those people that do are very special people. They won’t fix you, but they will hold your hand so you can fix yourself.