Posts Tagged ‘loss’

The struggle is real

March 2, 2018


This will probobally be one of the saddest blog posts I have written so be warned.

I am struggling, physically and mentally. I have the flu which is something that will improve with time but mentally I’m in a very dark hole and can’t find the light at the end of it.

I am currently sat on my bedroom floor, I often find myself here I don’t know why it just feels safe. Only one person has taken the time to check on me today which when you feel as lonely as I do almost everyday, is a very jagged pill to swallow. I have come to the conclusion that I am not good enough for anyone. I am sure people will tell me the opposite but thats how I feel, its very real. I often hope that someone will say… get some clothes on kid were going out for the day but nobody has, not for a number of months. I am in a city where I don’t actually know why I am here anymore. Don’t get me wrong I love my flat its beautiful, but I wish someone could share that beauty with me. Drop in for a coffee/cup of tea but nobody does.

I look around at people I work with and it appears there friend list is never ending, always off doing something at the weekends and the evenings they are. That used to be me and thats the bit of my life I loved the most. The thought of a weekend now is like a dagger to the heart. Have you ever heard of anyone who doesn’t look forward to a weekend?

I mentioned this to someone the other day and they said I need to accept that everyone is busy. So say that then, don’t leave my texts unanswered or reply 3 days later saying sorry only just seen this. If you don’t want anything to do with me say that, I would rather the truth than to be fobbed off by words you think I want to hear.

What it feels like……

A heavy weight on my shoulders, duck tape over my mouth stopping me from speaking, constantly looking out the window waiting for someone/anyone to turn up.

This weekend like most weekends…..

I won’t be leaving my flat ill be just watching tv (staring at the tv) waiting for the Monday to come around. Staring blankly at myself to have some kind of conversation with myself. Sunday ill have a panic attack at the same time that I’ve done every week since the 3rd September 2017 because I am scared of bumping into someone constantly for the next 5 days. Only for Friday to come along and ill get the same anxieties at 4.30pm because I know ill be back here again.

The reality

I am alone, I always will be and I have to accept it whether I like it or not. The struggle is real and I am so lost in myself.

What happened to my life. I can’t keep doing this every week.