Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

The struggle is real

March 2, 2018


This will probobally be one of the saddest blog posts I have written so be warned.

I am struggling, physically and mentally. I have the flu which is something that will improve with time but mentally I’m in a very dark hole and can’t find the light at the end of it.

I am currently sat on my bedroom floor, I often find myself here I don’t know why it just feels safe. Only one person has taken the time to check on me today which when you feel as lonely as I do almost everyday, is a very jagged pill to swallow. I have come to the conclusion that I am not good enough for anyone. I am sure people will tell me the opposite but thats how I feel, its very real. I often hope that someone will say… get some clothes on kid were going out for the day but nobody has, not for a number of months. I am in a city where I don’t actually know why I am here anymore. Don’t get me wrong I love my flat its beautiful, but I wish someone could share that beauty with me. Drop in for a coffee/cup of tea but nobody does.

I look around at people I work with and it appears there friend list is never ending, always off doing something at the weekends and the evenings they are. That used to be me and thats the bit of my life I loved the most. The thought of a weekend now is like a dagger to the heart. Have you ever heard of anyone who doesn’t look forward to a weekend?

I mentioned this to someone the other day and they said I need to accept that everyone is busy. So say that then, don’t leave my texts unanswered or reply 3 days later saying sorry only just seen this. If you don’t want anything to do with me say that, I would rather the truth than to be fobbed off by words you think I want to hear.

What it feels like……

A heavy weight on my shoulders, duck tape over my mouth stopping me from speaking, constantly looking out the window waiting for someone/anyone to turn up.

This weekend like most weekends…..

I won’t be leaving my flat ill be just watching tv (staring at the tv) waiting for the Monday to come around. Staring blankly at myself to have some kind of conversation with myself. Sunday ill have a panic attack at the same time that I’ve done every week since the 3rd September 2017 because I am scared of bumping into someone constantly for the next 5 days. Only for Friday to come along and ill get the same anxieties at 4.30pm because I know ill be back here again.

The reality

I am alone, I always will be and I have to accept it whether I like it or not. The struggle is real and I am so lost in myself.

What happened to my life. I can’t keep doing this every week.

The very real pain of losing the best thing that’s ever happened to me

February 25, 2018


Loosing a best friend in my life has to be one of the most painful experiences I have gone through in my adult life.

Connecting with a friend can feel very much the same as falling in love, as you constantly bring the other person up in conversation when you are not together. And breaking up with a best friend can be devastating.

For the purposes of my blog I will refer to my best friend as Amanda

I met Amanda on on my first day at a shiny new office. Amanda was my administrator for a short period of time, and we found ourselves connecting through hilarity of ourselves. We would spend every lunch break together laughing at our mistakes, things that happened at work and our personal lives and what we bonded over on day 2 was, over a quiche at Gregs and me being dragged to do her returns at H&M, something which then became a regular occurrence over the last nearly 7 years. (the returns not the Gregs). Only Amanda and myself would understand why this was so very funny.

I remember the exact day we began to consider ourselves true friends – we met for dinner and drinks one weekend in September. ¬†We exchanged stories, laughed and disclosed personal details that further cemented our connection. We continued our “first date” into a second and then I moved to the same city where every weekend was date night and day. Each year we acknowledged that anniversary either by text or something special.

Amanda soon became an important person to my life. We would see each other every day at work, most nights after work and most weekends were spent, shopping, eating, watching TV, laughing and having so much fun. We often spent hours on the phone together debriefing on our days at work, then debriefing our evenings that we spent apart before bed. Of course during this time we laughed until we couldn’t breathe, cried because we laughed so hard.

We travelled together every year for a grand holiday, and we also had frequent weekends away and spa trips, we even stayed in a castle in the Lake District.

Amanda, took me under her wing, accepted me for me and assured me and promised me she was here to stay no matter how hard it got and made it ok for me to trust people, she made it ok to let people in and she made it ok for me to be open about my mental health. Amanda also made me fat.

Until something changed…………..

Our breakup happened very suddenly, in the most dramatic and unmistakable way possible. I will refrain from going into the details of what happened because I don’t believe its appropriate or productive and I don’t even know why. We have ended this experience feeling very hurt, confused, wounded and massively misunderstood.

Her life was changing significantly and I was swept away very quickly and the things we bonded over and built our friendship on were forgotten very quickly by Amanda, not by me. I couldn’t be there for Amanda when her life was changing and at the same time Amanda couldn’t be there for me whilst mine was changing too. I regret that.

I thought of her frequently, I no longer enjoy my weekends, I no longer had anyone to appreciate my weirdness and silliness and her absence is felt pretty sharply when I no longer have a sounding board to my life, to share my jokes with, my silliness with and my love with and I’m alone trying to have a random spread for one.

Weeks have gone by now, and though I have other friends, I do not have Amanda. I miss her intensely, with the deep ache of someone who has become a refugee from their home. Amanda has left a huge gaping hole in my life.

Let go and move on you say!….. I have spent much of my life giving up and running away from people I believed who are no good for me. As I have got older I have learnt to appreciate how incredibly difficult it is to meet new people who share your weird sense of purpose. I feel like starting again with someone is not something that appeals to me currently. Amanda always taught me the true value of friendship, and how incredibly important it is to retain those friendships.

Amanda promised me so much in terms of friendship and If I knew then what I knew now I wouldn’t of been so open, but I don’t think I would be who I am today if it wasn’t for Amanda.

I still see Amanda almost every day and its incredibly hard, weird and awkward. She’s scared and I am too.

What I have learnt from this whole experience is…… things happen to our lives that are unexpected that can throw everything off. There is no plan to life. Life is far too short to hold grudges or negativity towards people.

Amanda if you’re out there I miss you and when you are ready ill be here ready to build something new.

Life too short kiddo!